No group no growth.
I have been living out of my house for ages. I was sent to boarding schools, when I was 11 years old. Around 23, I got a job, so I left hostel and started my career in IT industry. All the years, I spent in shared spaces cannot teach me, how to be a group body or how to be popular in social groups, or even be part of it. I always had rather lonely life but I used to find 1–2 good friends, and they were enough for me. I was not part of any specific “group” so it was little easier for people to forget about me, or target me, in my school time. I thought it was over when I left to start my career. The amount of weirdness, I faced in office, was nothing in comparison to my school/hostel life.
In office, we do not always get the dream team, sometimes we get teams which have power struggles, ego issues, group-ism etc. Sometimes these things are upfront, sometimes the issues keep simmering in the background. Some people have enough wisdom to survive and come out it unscathed. Let’s say I am not that wise person. I am not here to whitewash or play victim. I am here to tell you ridiculous things which I thought I won’t hear or see in the workplace. The constant reminder or signal, I have been getting is, I need to make friends (single person will not do) in office and need to hang out with groups and laugh a lot.
It came from the men, most of the times. When I had some work related conflict with men, they dissected my whole persona, on the basis of the conflicts, with their male friends. Their male friends, who I never knew or worked with, started telling people, how difficult/horrible person I might be, and their argument was, I did not have friends. I did not hang out in the groups.
When I did not have conflicts, then too, they questioned my choices. I was visiting USA for short period and had to share flat with colleagues I never met before. My roommate and I decided to cook separately. This was the most natural thing. But male colleagues living in another apartment, criticised our behaviour, called us out for not gelling well. The 2 ladies involved in this arrangement had no issues but men had.
I had to share room with another woman colleague, who I used to know, for 1 day office trip. She told openly to her “group” also to people in the earshot, that it’s going to be terrible experience for her. Earlier, we both were up for the same job, and we were pitted against each other by our reporting manager. But I never had been harsh to her ever; I never said unkind words to her. Still, she ruined my image, on what basis, I still do not know. She had a “group” so she had the right to malign my image. I had no group where I can go and cry foul for things which never happened.
One of my junior women colleagues was on the verge of getting into performance improvement program. I was backing her up; was proposing her name for the role like scrum master, so that she could get brownie points. Later, when she became careless towards her support turn, I asked her, why did she not find replacement for her (rule was to find your own replacement for unplanned absence). Next day, I come to office and her whole group was bad mouthing me. How did I know? Well they were doing it in the open hall where everyone sits. People talk. You see, benefit of being part of “group” is, you can turn everyone against someone. Or at least tell an entertaining story where you were victim and person who is not there to tell their tale, a villain!
My habit of hanging out with one person costed me in some other ways as well. In my twenties, I had a dear friend in the office, he was a guy. It is not in my nature to seek out friends once I get a good one. I was linked up with him. When he changed company, again I got a friend, who was a guy as well. This time, a jealous senior male colleague who knew my mother, complained to her. He said, my image is getting ruined at workplace.
I have faced group-ism in teams which were never normalised. Things like passing texts around in the meeting room and laughing, calling everyone for tea breaks but excluding me, taking my name out from the mails; and more. And all the time, I was standing alone. I was lucky that one colleague who was a common resource to all teams, witnessed this himself; otherwise, no one would believe me, that these things happened to me. He told me, my team was toxic. I am not saying, I was a victim, but I do believe, I paid a price for not being a part of their ideology/group.
Later I tried hanging out in a small group, but it was not my cup of tea. I have always been a one friend at a time person. Today too, I have one friend in office; how does it make me a person “no one wants to hangout with”? Did it ever cross to these peoples’ mind that I am not comfortable with groups?
People who do not know me, perceives me in ways I cannot fathom. People who had small conflicts with me, make sure that they ruin my social image.
I have been seeing growth of female colleagues, who have been called a ray of sunshine and positivity, who lights up the room, when they enter. Lately, I am not seeing any growth in my career. I am not a ray of sunshine who laughs a lot and talks a lot. I am a person who believes in teamwork, a person who does not smile often but never takes credit of anyone’s work, a person who leads team through difficult technical decisions, a person who picks up tasks who no one wants to do because the tasks do not contribute to their resume, a person who appreciates their colleagues even if there is no chance of reciprocation, a person who wishes people on their birthdays, even if their manager did not send out their bday mail for many years. I am many more things, but I am not a person who is seeking out groups to fit in.
If my hanging out with myself outweighs my fairness to colleagues; I do not know how to tell people what are they losing out? Well, I am losing out a bit, but I do not want to loose who I am in all this social persona hoopla.
